I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now