Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.