Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!