sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that