Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
Everyone is getting idioter.
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine