The median voter
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”