instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
I’m the neighbor
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
