Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
sometimes we need to be reminded
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
