can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.