everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart