I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly