My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.