Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Single and childfree like Jesus
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.