Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 馃槈
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If you鈥檙e gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I like the sound of thunder because there鈥檚 always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
HR is giving me a hard time because I鈥檝e been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved