Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
What about second breakfast?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Just parrot things
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.