What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.