What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
this site is so cooked lol
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
