“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
me when somebody idk start touching me
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect