*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
2022 be like
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.