Pass gas, not judgment.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
When you’re Kinky but poor
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up