An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly