Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
2022: I can fix it
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter