I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
So Hamburger help me, God
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
