You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
me when somebody idk start touching me
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
