Oops
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please