Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out