I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.