What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Husband of the year 😂
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now