Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit