Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t