Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays