This can never not be funny 😭😭
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Only short people can save us
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.