There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
We’re all getting idioter.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.