My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*