Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
