Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories