from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?