What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Safety first
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer