Nigella has gone too far this time.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.