[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
dictator is short for richard potato
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward