My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Just a friendly reminder!
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.