[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.