I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.