Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I love the honesty
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
That’s enough internet for the day
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.