Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
That’s commitment
