Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.