Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man