I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️