😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I’ll be mad as hell!
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste