What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*